Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Avoiding Lamesauce Insults

As a non-confrontational individual, I naturally avoid heated, argumentative situations. I honestly don't want to make other people feel bad, and also do not enjoy being pummeled. I do however, enjoy watching the quality delivery of a particularly deserved burn. Unfortunately, the execution of insults today lack intelligence or creativity. Two people in an argument pull their verbal arrows from the same small quiver. These phrases are meant to be shocking and hurtful, but most people I know have heard them hundreds of times by the time they graduate from junior high.

No one recently called a son of a bird* has emotionally broken down while thinking, "Oh no, has my accuser rightfully bestowed this title upon my mother as a consequence of an unpleasant social interaction? In suggesting my mother lacks character, does my opponent imply I have been raised improperly and am thus a bad person? This shocking revelation of the deficiency of my moral fiber forces me to question every decision of my life so far, including the current point of contention. I concede defeat." The act of being called a piece of corn* has never produced this train of thought: "Am I truly now being compared to excrement? Another human being thinks I not only share physical characteristics with one of the most agreed-upon vile substances in existence, but also the personality of an inanimate object. Profound changes must be made in my life to redeem myself."

If you decide to enter this verbal fray, a true insult should draw attention to flaws in his character, causing self-doubt, shame, or anger. A well timed, specific, and hurtful phrase can cause many different emotional responses, depending on the character of the insulted. Many will choose to avoid further conflict by ending the conversation, while the more violent types will choose to end the conversation by furthering the conflict in the form of a violent beat down. Through the strange combination of hastiness and cowardice, dolts respond with one of the meaningless, overused phrases mentioned earlier, revealing that they have been verbally bested.

No one applies these cop-out phrases to themselves or feels hurt by them. Insecurity causes one to spew them at strangers, hoping to instill fear in those who could physically hurt, or distance from those who could emotionally damage. They also exist to express displeasure in the words or actions of an acquaintance in a way that make the speaker seem tough. Saying, "I'm very sensitive about the way I look and now feel hurt; please don't comment negatively on that subject in the future," takes more openness and courage than most people possess, so they instead decide to advance the intellectual discourse of our country with a courteous "Go enjoy* yourself."

If an argument is unavoidable, think about what you really mean to express. Inform this doofus of his ignorance, ugliness, personality flaws, etc. in a way that he will remember the next day instead of dodging the issue with dime a dozen catchphrases. If you receive an intelligent retort, then we've got a prime argument on our hands.

*This word has not been censored by The Man, but by the author, in accordance with my previous post regarding censorship.

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