Monday, May 10, 2010

Pet Problem

Growing up on a farm has given me what I consider to be a healthy disliking of animals. If you want to own a pet, that is totally cool, but they are not for me. The way I see it, animals that aren't for eating only function as money-to-feces converters. You may say I'm missing the point of pets, but to that I say that this is America, and I can dislike anything I want, for whatever misguided reasons I choose.

However, I have been forced to consider the possibility that I might marry a pet-lover. Since I have also considered that my future wife will obviously be very good looking, and that I am a sucker for a pretty face, I needed to discover some sort of compromise ahead of time. These are the conditions under which I will agree to buying a pet, and some notes on each:

1. The pet will live outside, unless it is a fish. Houses are for people. This is because animals are generally too stupid to understand such nuanced facts as, "I have a very important day tomorrow, so tonight would be an especially bad night to wake me up," and, "This person who is visiting our house is allergic to you, so please avoid him." In addition, pets make your house smell. If you have a pet in your house and disagree, that doesn't mean your pet doesn't smell, it means you are willfully ignorant of pet-smell. It's kind of like how every parent thinks their child is a great athlete. Fish are exempt from all of these rules. If my wife desperately wants to own a fish, she can skip the rest of the conditions and just get one, and is also much more boring than I have imagined her to be.

2. Condition number one implies that we will be getting a dog. In the cats vs. dogs debate, I invariably choose animal control services, but dogs have the advantage in this scenario. I've noticed a trend that cats who live outside either A) spend all their time trying to get inside, or B) are not really your pet so much as they are the neighborhood cat that you have taken on the responsibility of feeding. I chalk this up to the fact that no one ever really has had control of their own cat.

3. The dog will be a bulldog. Bulldogs are the optimal combination of being small and not girly. Have you ever seen a bulldog jumping incessantly at anyone? I don't think they even have the energy required. Need to fence your dog in somewhere? It only needs to be three feet high. Also, I'm pretty sure I could run faster than one. I have no idea how this dog gives off the illusion of being tough. I guess it has good PR or something.

4. The dog will be named Cat. This will be hilarious, and will also test anyone's desire to be associated with it. Do you really want to explain why you are ordering dog tags that read "Cat"? Are you willing make a missing dog poster reading, "Answers to Cat" and include your phone number? Do you want to put our family dog in our Christmas photo enough to end the greetings with "...and Cat"? Do you want to run the risk of our kids not being completely sure on what dogs and cats are? Hopefully the answer to all of these questions is no.