Friday, September 25, 2009

Teen Embarrassment

After years of research, I have uncovered the reason behind the outrageous levels of embarrassment in today's teens, and the outrageous levels of enjoyment parents seem to get from inflicting it.

When children reach a certain age, they become aware of the concept of coolness. Their parents, however, had no other choice but to spend the last dozen or so years learning how not to care about it. They will be spending a huge amount of time and be heavily associated with someone who:

1. Must be introduced to everyone.
2. You are legally required to carry everywhere.
3. Cannot speak any known languages.
4. Will eventually work his way up to eating with his hands.
5. Screams randomly and regularly.
6. Will soil himself in public several hundred times.

Imagine having this person as your college roommate.

"Hey, I'm Aware Of That Too!"

I heavily suspect that it is impossible to post a Facebook status containing song lyrics and not receive a comment.

Those who recognize the song apparently cannot be stopped from adding the next line, followed by a comment on the greatness of the song. I can't decide if this is done to feel connected to and accepted by the person who posted it, or to warn others that he isn't as creative as he's making himself out to be. You may be objecting, "Wait a minute, why would the second reason be necessary? Most lyrics posted in Facebook statuses are so painfully dull that penning them never could be viewed as positive!" I think you are forgetting that those who love horrible things tend to befriend each other. Also, the second reason for replying is way funnier, because it implies these people are rightfully disliked by their friends.

"Hold on," you are probably interjecting, "what if I post lyrics to a song that only I know?" Well aren't you clever. Sorry to rain on your smug parade, but some clueless inquisitor will cluelessly inquire about its origin. It doesn't even need to rhyme or sound like a lyric or make sense. No, taking the word "is" out of any song by itself doesn't count as a song lyric. Man, you are insufferable today.

The only scenario that remains is a person who no one wants to impress posting the lyrics to a song that everyone knows and dislikes. The only song that fits this description is obviously Yellow Submarine. When this finally happens, it will be safe to conclude that the creation of the Internet was a horrible lapse in judgment.

"Who is teaching all of these people how to read and write English?" Now that is a great question. Way to redeem yourself.