Teens Became A Fan Of

-Taking Naps!

-Weekends

-teachers who let u text in class

-When that special person writes on your wall

-I HATE IT WHEN UR PARENTS RUIN EVRYTHING

-Exchanging money for goods and services

-Can This Rock Get More Fans Than Lady Gaga?

-Knife Fights

-Archie Comics, but only when he's with Veronica

-My social skills r being replaced w/ txting skills

-Working in Data Entry

-I want less bad things to happen and more good things

-Lehman Brothers Holdings, Inc.

-Maybe if I become a fan of the same thing as you I will be noticed

-puppies!

-Isn't it about time that rabbit got some Trix?

-Democratic Communism

-Does this really count as social interaction?

-All Of The Things I'm A Fan Of On Facebook

-everyone please look how clever i am

-This fan page says nothing about me except that I will become a fan of anything that I am not morally against

-pancakes

"Hey, I'm Aware Of That Too!"

I heavily suspect that it is impossible to post a Facebook status containing song lyrics and not receive a comment.

Those who recognize the song apparently cannot be stopped from adding the next line, followed by a comment on the greatness of the song. I can't decide if this is done to feel connected to and accepted by the person who posted it, or to warn others that he isn't as creative as he's making himself out to be. You may be objecting, "Wait a minute, why would the second reason be necessary? Most lyrics posted in Facebook statuses are so painfully dull that penning them never could be viewed as positive!" I think you are forgetting that those who love horrible things tend to befriend each other. Also, the second reason for replying is way funnier, because it implies these people are rightfully disliked by their friends.

"Hold on," you are probably interjecting, "what if I post lyrics to a song that only I know?" Well aren't you clever. Sorry to rain on your smug parade, but some clueless inquisitor will cluelessly inquire about its origin. It doesn't even need to rhyme or sound like a lyric or make sense. No, taking the word "is" out of any song by itself doesn't count as a song lyric. Man, you are insufferable today.

The only scenario that remains is a person who no one wants to impress posting the lyrics to a song that everyone knows and dislikes. The only song that fits this description is obviously Yellow Submarine. When this finally happens, it will be safe to conclude that the creation of the Internet was a horrible lapse in judgment.

"Who is teaching all of these people how to read and write English?" Now that is a great question. Way to redeem yourself.

The UnTwitter

The following may not apply to all Twitter users, so if it offends you, feel free to tweet about it.

Twitter, and I guess blogs of any length, seem to be based entirely around the feeling that your actions count more if other people are made aware of their occurance. This desire to force everyone to be aware of how fun you are drives a person to take the exact same arm-length picture with everyone they know at any location and post them on Facebook. These pictures to me scream, "Hey everyone! Look at how many friends I have at this exclusive event! Envy me!" For the benefit of the reader, I have refrained from purposefully misspelling every word and capitalizing every other letter in the preceding statement. Twitter enables the declaration of a new favorite food to those who could only care if the food was illegal, while giving the impression that they hang on the poster's every word. If you don't believe me, note that those who subscribe to your posts are called your "followers." Imagine how crazy you would look if you described any other group of people by that title.

The downside lies in the fact that you are not a celebrity. Not that many people care about what you have to say, and most of them won't be subscribing to your posts. Spencer Pratt, the man who I have determined to be the only being acceptible to murder in any social setting, will always beat you. This may leave you either resigned to pathetic defeat, or starting all conversations with a list of recent parties graced by your presence.

I have discovered what may be a solution, which I call the UnTwitter. Step one: do something new and fun, with friends if you have them. Explore an abandoned house, take a road trip to a strange town, cut down a tree and ride it across the river, whatever. I don't care what it is, as long as it's fairly interesting and doesn't involve the injury or embarrassment of myself.

Step two: make sure as few people as possible hear about this adventure. Don't put it in your Facebook status, take pictures of the event, or as the name implies, post it on Twitter. Treat the outing as if something unspeakable happened on it, like accidently taking part in a Klan rally, or the events of the movie Deliverance. Everytime someone asks you what's new, or what you've been up to, this one action will leap into your mind. You will wonder if they somehow discovered your secret, except instead of sweating uncontrollably and possibly weeping (you'll know why if you've seen Deliverance), you will list all but the most interesting thing you did this week. You will be completely free of trying to convince anyone how interesting you are. If they eventually do find out about it, you will seem that much cooler by not feeling the need to sing the praises of your wonderful life to everyone you know.

Horrible Facebook Groups

What purpose can Facebook groups serve? In some cases, they inform members with similar interests of upcoming events. In others, fans discuss a shared favorite TV show or movie. Most groups that I join are expressions of my interests to whoever visits my Facebook profile. For example, "Implementation of Wu-Tang Clan in Classrooms" informs my friends that I think using tax dollars to expose children to morally questionable music would be awesome. People who take life too seriously and also don't like real-world results join protest groups. Apparently, another popular kind of group exists for the sole purpose of annoying anyone who thinks about them for more than ten seconds.

Almost 2 million people have found reason to join the group "If you remember this you grew up in the '90s." What exchange could even take place between you and a friend who has joined the group? "Hey, this is awesome! I didn't think one of my other friends would recognize one of the at least two hundred cultural references listed here!"

2.7 million Facebookies and Facebookettes (this is how Shaq refers to us) have decided to join the group "Let's set and break a Guiness Record!!!! Approved by guinnessworldrecords.c." Without even reading its description, I know not to expect much. Not only did the creator of this group manage to spell "Guinness" two different ways in ten words, he decided that the last two letters of ".com" were a worthy sacrifice to the character limit for more exclamation points. What really puts this group over the demented edge is that it's nowhere close to the largest group on Facebook. Please everyone, if you want to join a group of this kind, at least pick one of the humorous versions with eight pathetic members.

The groups "I Will Go Slightly Out of My Way To Step On That Crunchy-Looking Leaf" and "I FLIP MY PILLOW OVER TO GET TO THE COLD SIDE" represent a class of groups that are met with the response, "Oh man, that is so totally me," instead of the more appropriate, "The youth of America have reached a new low." I can't imagine there is much conversation to be had about leaf crunching, so people must be joining this group to inform others about some aspect of their personality, if only that they are clever. Maybe that would be true if you made the group, but I think all the cleverness has been sucked dry by the 300,000 people that joined before you. Fortunately, the group "I bet I can find 100,000 people who like to breathe oxygen" has been made to mock these groups that might as well be named "Humans who are currently alive."