Sunday, June 7, 2009

The UnTwitter

The following may not apply to all Twitter users, so if it offends you, feel free to tweet about it.

Twitter, and I guess blogs of any length, seem to be based entirely around the feeling that your actions count more if other people are made aware of their occurance. This desire to force everyone to be aware of how fun you are drives a person to take the exact same arm-length picture with everyone they know at any location and post them on Facebook. These pictures to me scream, "Hey everyone! Look at how many friends I have at this exclusive event! Envy me!" For the benefit of the reader, I have refrained from purposefully misspelling every word and capitalizing every other letter in the preceding statement. Twitter enables the declaration of a new favorite food to those who could only care if the food was illegal, while giving the impression that they hang on the poster's every word. If you don't believe me, note that those who subscribe to your posts are called your "followers." Imagine how crazy you would look if you described any other group of people by that title.

The downside lies in the fact that you are not a celebrity. Not that many people care about what you have to say, and most of them won't be subscribing to your posts. Spencer Pratt, the man who I have determined to be the only being acceptible to murder in any social setting, will always beat you. This may leave you either resigned to pathetic defeat, or starting all conversations with a list of recent parties graced by your presence.

I have discovered what may be a solution, which I call the UnTwitter. Step one: do something new and fun, with friends if you have them. Explore an abandoned house, take a road trip to a strange town, cut down a tree and ride it across the river, whatever. I don't care what it is, as long as it's fairly interesting and doesn't involve the injury or embarrassment of myself.

Step two: make sure as few people as possible hear about this adventure. Don't put it in your Facebook status, take pictures of the event, or as the name implies, post it on Twitter. Treat the outing as if something unspeakable happened on it, like accidently taking part in a Klan rally, or the events of the movie Deliverance. Everytime someone asks you what's new, or what you've been up to, this one action will leap into your mind. You will wonder if they somehow discovered your secret, except instead of sweating uncontrollably and possibly weeping (you'll know why if you've seen Deliverance), you will list all but the most interesting thing you did this week. You will be completely free of trying to convince anyone how interesting you are. If they eventually do find out about it, you will seem that much cooler by not feeling the need to sing the praises of your wonderful life to everyone you know.