Monday, July 13, 2009

Read This For A Good Time

I appreciate those who vandalize bathroom stalls. Lightening up this hopefully eventless space with humor should be considered a public service to all. If I ever aquire a Wal-Mart or something, my employees will not paint over all graffiti, just the stuff they don't find humorous. It will encourage creativity in the defecating masses.

That being said, there's one thing I don't understand about the defacement set. Why do public toilets make people want to overthrow the government? Even in newly constructed facilities, the initial work of art always seems to be that stupid capital 'A' with the circle around it. I could maybe see someone doing this in a public rest stop or a bathroom in a library, since anarchists generally feel these shouldn't exist, but it's not like Taco Bell is getting federal bathroom funding. Even if this quarter-sized etching is located in its proper location, that is reaching previously unheard of levels in lazy protesting. I mean I've heard of people having epiphanies on the throne, but I can't imagine any of them containing this thought: "You make an excellent point, anonymous criminal. We should change our system of government!"

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cowboy Rebel

I cannot in good concience suggest that you enter the state of Wyoming. If you do, be sure to check out the bumper stickers. Some force drives these residents to hate all who dwell in the 49 more populous states, and to display this feeling on the backs of their mudhole-to-mudhole transports. This provides an excellent opportunity to observe the cowboy rebel archetype in the wild without actually having to talk to them. Placing a dead elk in the back of your pickup may seem like a way to blend in, but you will be forced to talk to ALL of them. Who knew such awkward people could be so friendly?

Cowboy rebels are a confusing people, probably because they haven't thought rebellion through enough. First off, anyone who tries to fight The Man only does so because they failed at becoming The Man, so they're all losers right off the bat. Secondly, who do they think they're rebelling against? It's clearly not their parents, since they listen to the same music, dress the same, talk the same, and attempt to hold the same jobs as every generation that came before them. However, they could be making these choices to be part of the ranching culture that is so pervasive in the media today. A lot of their angst seems to be directed towards the government, but they are doing a horrible job of rebelling against them, although I may be underestimating the effectiveness of whining and then complying. If they were refusing to pay their taxes or at least actively protesting it would be a different story, but their form of rebellion seems to consist solely of doing really dumb things in a cocky manner.

Here are a few examples of cowboy rebellion followed by a statement they might make towards the group they are rebelling against. See if you can fill in the blanks without wanting to fill all cowboy boots with snakes!

1. I'm going to cover my truck, the brand name of which I am incredibly loyal to and which I bought with my own money, with mud! Take that, ________!
2. Let's spend our free time shooting animals that are a nuisance to everyone and completely legal to kill, then cover our car with the carcasses! In your face, ________! (Note: PETA is not a viable option since no PETA members live in Wyoming, and those who do this never leave their hometown.)
3. Hey guys! Let's watch and buy the merchandise of NASCAR, which is the only sport I'm aware of that covers its athletes and products in advertisements! That'll show _______!
4. I can't wait to see my idols get the crap kicked out of them by the animal they are attempting to show mastery over at the rodeo! Your move, ______!
5. Did you hear the one about the member of a racial group I've never had real-world contact with? What's that? You already did because they're all essentially the same? Well I'm going to tell it anyway, because a lesson needs to be taught to ________.

When I started this list, I thought it would be funny because there were no logical answers. I now see that it is as funny as it is horrible because they all have the same answer: Charles Darwin.