Commander in a Chief's Jersey

If I were campaigning for president, I would talk a big game. I would list wildly optimistic goals as my main priorities. But in reality, I would only have one real goal: collecting as many free, personalized jerseys as possible.

The president often meets with championship teams, but only those of major sports. In many of these meetings, the president is presented with a personalized uniform, usually carrying the number one. I would push this tradition to new heights by doing a photo-op with any team that is willing to give me a jersey with my name on it.

Division II hockey champions? Come on down to Washington. Arena football league? Heck yes. Mathletes? Hit me up with one of those jackets. If you won, there is more than one of you, and you all dress the same, then I would like to exchange national recognition for a free jersey. My first act as president would probably be to create the Department of Championship Celebration, since I will be spending about as much time with whoever is coordinating these things as the Secretary of State.

People around the country will be wondering, "What is this idiot doing? He's meeting with a different team like every other day! There's no way he'll be elected again wasting this much time! Plus, couldn't the president afford to buy these jerseys?" These people clearly do not have their priorities straight.