Save The Polar Bears?

One of the reasons stated for putting a stop to global warming is the future of the polar bear. If warming trends continue, their ice habitat could be destroyed. This beautiful species could be gone forever. The problem that lies before us cannot be ignored. I have prepared the solution.

Here's how to stop feeling guilty about killing polar bears.

When was the last time one of these half-ton behemoths did anything for you? All they do is growl and slide down hills of snow and steal our Coca-Cola in the winter time. Remind yourself that the activity they mostly need the ice for, killing seals, would cause most humans to be drenched in red paint by a hippie. I'm not going to argue against paint throwing here, since seals are adorable and I would probably enjoy it, but I think we need to apply some consistency to the situation. Along with cuteness, seals also beat polar bears in the not-willing-or-able-to-eat-me category. It's safe to say that if there were 6 billion polar bears and 25,000 humans, not only would the bears not bother saving our habitat, they would devour all of us.

In ten minutes of reading Wikipedia, I have discovered that the IUCN thinks global warming will kill all of the polar bears in the next 100 years. Polar bears have killed 5 humans in the last 100 years. If we work with the number of polar bears and humans currently alive, that's one human kill per 5,000 bears, and one bear kill per 240,000 humans.

Conclusion: they're asking for it. Not only did I use Wikipedia, I also used math, so you can be sure of my scientific accuracy.

Pro-nuhn-see-ey-shun

What is the name of that country we've been at war in for a while? Knowing the answer pales in comparison to saying it correctly.

Until a few years ago, most would respond with I-rack. Once it had to be discussed more often than Americans would prefer to dwell on any poor country, smart guys everywhere started telling us we were doing it wrong. "NO LONG I! NO RACK! E-ROCK ONLY! Final Destination." In the future, the old pronunciation will only be used in movies to show who is ignorant, much like Forrest Gump's "Vietnayum," or Larry the Cable Guy's words.

If I were a TV journalist, I would buck all countries-between-Syria-and-Iran-pronunciation trends. The first syllable of the old version and the second syllable of the new would combine Voltron-style to produce the unbeatable powerhouse that is I-rock. Using the marvel that is journalistic self-obsession, my version will spread like wildfire. Enabling newscasters to tell viewers of their own greatness for a living, Iraq-themed stories would dominate all news shows.

By the way, no one cares how you pronounce Afghanistan.