Music Censorship, Part II

After those in power stopped caring about messages of cultural or governmental change in music, only the listening audience remained as censors of music. Immoral lyrics pushed radio stations to remove songs from the airwaves to avoid offending the sensibilities of the general public. Apparently incapable of writing about non-reproductive subjects, this potential ban led artists to create cryptic verses that only hint at the true meaning. The Beach Boys "Wouldn't It Be Nice" appears to be an innocent love song from a star-struck youngster. Take a closer look at a sample of the lyrics:

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

You know it's gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true

Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

You know it seems the more we talk about it

It only makes it worse to live without it

The actions in other portions only go as far as holding and kissing, but it appears to me as if these lyrics are entirely about a man wanting to copulate with an underage girl. An outright statement of this intention would upset parents everywhere. This artist chose to censor his adult and possibly criminal desire into a message acceptable to everyone, avoiding a negative public reaction. Concealing the song's deeper meaning welcomed kids, along with their innocence protectors, into the listening audience. A decade later, Foreigner's lyrics were so uniform in their content, the band may as well have changed their name to Fornicator. However, their less disguised allusions were still ambiguous enough to avoid public relations problems. This allowed adults old enough to say things like, "Young people these days..." to not object, and possibly even enjoy what they're barely hearing.

As society got used to increasing vulgarity, topics of this nature started to be discussed openly in song. "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris basically lists dozens of ways in which he plans to give his lady friend the time. Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" consists solely of the aforementioned rapper striving to get a Bill Janklow* from a female bar patron. Even if you ignore the parts where he says outright what he wants her to do, no one above the age of 12 thinks Lil' Wayne is going out of his way to encourage a woman to enjoy candy. Only specific vulgar words are censored, but no disguises are created for moral messages.

I suspect that artists who take advantage of this continuing loosening of censorship will lose a large portion of their potential fan base, and will become creatively lazy. Why bother coming up with a clever and sneaky euphemism like "Baby, you can drive my car" if you can get away with a shocking and overt one like "I want to friend* you like an animal?" Why not skip euphemisms altogether and describe outrageous behavior in the clearest way possible? Many people formed assumptions about that aforementioned clever lyric of The Beatles' "Drive My Car," but listeners could understandably have interpreted the words literally. Many years later, the song's creator stated what he truly meant, but the phrase fit into the song's vehicular context so well that some people still didn't believe him. To those who can't relate in your intended message, this ambiguity enables them to give the song a meaning they can identify with or enjoy your tune as simple fun. Only people who don't understand English will get anything other than the intended meaning of "When Ludacris get to the bed then start baking*," and those innocent kids and grumpy old people I mentioned earlier won't ever even hear about it.

In an ideal world, music would have a positive, clean message, and would need no euphemisms or censors. Artists who must communicate this kind of message have a choice. Say exactly what you mean and catch the brief ear of the the youth, or censor yourselves and grip the attention of the nation.

*This word has been censored by The Man

Music Censorship, Part I

The act of sneaking messages through the censorship of oppressors has been popular in music for generations. Spreading a controversial message under the seemingly unimposing form of music keeps oppressors from catching on. Songs like "Follow The Drinking Gourd," according to legends, were sung among slaves hoping to escape to freedom. Its seemingly vague lines offered to those who remembered its words geographical directions to a starting point on the Underground Railroad. They learned the safest season to embark on their journey and which rivers to follow or cross. Forbidden from learning to read, repeated singing embedded life-saving details in determined minds. The consequences of such a song being decoded by authorities would be so disastrous, that everyone involved set new records for being outrageously hardcore. I speculate many more musical numbers concealed massive burns against slave owners.

The abolition of slavery granted all the right to literacy, meaning dissidents could now spread ideas in writing. This took away music's usefulness for memorizing instructions, unless very small children are planning something devious. However, music still carried the burden of publicly spreading a message of change that newspaper or book publishers shied away from. Folk group The Weavers braved the Red Scare of the 1950's, trying to improve worker's rights through music. Even after diluting their political message to appeal to a wider audience, the FBI claimed they adhered to communist beliefs. The entertainment industry began blacklisting The Weavers and many other artists after scrutiny from The House Committee on Un-American Activities. Termination of their record contract and removal of their songs from radio play proved The Man still worried enough about the influence of music to censor it.

After the country came down from the bad trip that was McCarthyism, artists were finally free to speak their minds on subjects of political or cultural change. This of course leads us to the whiny, dirty hippy era of music, which I am gracefully skipping over on my way to gangster rap. NWA announced their hatred for cops and accusations of prejudice against the justice system with their hit single, "Hug* tha Police." Deciphering their top-secret message to listeners must have been difficult for those in power, with such ambiguous wordplay as, "I'm a sniper with a doozy* of a scope, taking out a cop or two." Things like this are generally frowned upon, so the government was understandably upset. However, the retribution only consisted of stern letters from the U.S. Secret Service and the FBI, which are probably framed with pride next to NWA's gold albums. Removal from a few concert venues and a short ban from Australian radio provided more publicity than financial harm. Despite the controversial and threatening statements, the group was never in any danger. The Man's interest in censoring messages that could damage him faded.

The invention of the Internet allows any and all contentious directives to be spread easily throughout the nation in secrecy. This has caused The Man's concern for scathing music lyrics to die completely. Even with messages of enjoyment in illegal activities, the oppressor of free thought, whoever you consider him to be, doesn't care anymore. Reggae artist Sean Paul seems to exclusively express his love of marijuana with such hits as "Ever Blazin," "We Be Burnin'," and in a new level of blatancy, "Legalize It." No one cares, and The Man probably hasn't noticed. At this point, a detailed, step-by-step single entitled "How To Overthrow The U.S. Government," could be released without consequence.

This once dangerously awesome theme in music has devolved to Green Day beating the dead horse of the Bush administration's popularity to increase their sales. Musicians no longer fight The Man, because The Man has exited the ring. I'm glad we are all literate and don't have an imposing government, but using music to secretly spread information concerning an uprising is infinitely cooler and more meaningful than political debate with instruments. Anyone who won't pay attention to a message of change unless it has a cool beat behind it isn't in any kind of mental shape to be voting anyway.

Since the voice of the oppressed no longer requires the mask of music to hide behind, protest music is dead. If you have a message to spread, ditch that mask and just write the message on your face. That would get people's attention.

*This word has been censored by The Man

Doing Puns Write

To incorporate puns into your blog, follow these instructions and they will be out of site!

1. If you believe puns to be a childish or low form of humor, write them off completely and move on, but not to step number two.

2. Avoid the obvious. A post claiming the newest zombie movie "totally bites" usually fails to go viral. Only those who want for brains could crave a joke this dead.

3. No writer makes note of other jokes they've made, so why give puns referential treatment? Tacking the phrase "no pun intended" onto the end is nonsense, since an unintentional pun is actually a malapropism. This outwrite attempt to draw attention to an author's own cleverness should be punished. Those who enjoy puns will appreciate them more if they find them on their own, and pun haters will prefer never to have noticed them.

4. Puns need no apology. When a writer has to state their inability to resist after their joke in parentheses, this fool clearly didn't follow my first three steps of using puns wisely. If the readers don't like your quality wordplay, it's their loss. Don't pander to your audience too much. Fitting a pun into this step is proving to be difficult.

5. Have pun with it! Now there's a quality pun right there. Wait, you didn't like it? Sorry about that; must redeem myself... uh... puns are a worldwide... punomenon? That one was good, right? No? That might not even count as a pun? Surely you can't be serious. No, I'm not calling you Shirley (I couldn't help myself; that one's a classic). Alright, this has become a disaster, so just forget it. Puns are for hacks anyway.

A Swell Blog Post

"Oh, I'm feeling just dandy."

No matter the situation, this phrase always contains the same sentiment. A similar rule seems to apply to any phrase containing the word "swell." Despite their utility as positive descriptors, their only utterances overflow with sarcasm. As the days of these words' popular usages fades further into the past, people who do not understand sarcasm might become incredibly confused; the fact that no method exists to portray sarcasm on the internet or in a text message will only exacerbate the problem.

"It's a balmy four degrees outside!"

Despite making this joke regularly, I actually had to look up the definition of the word "balmy." Since I've only heard it used with thick sarcasm on frigid days, it could, when used seriously, define any quality other than coldness. For all I knew, anything from just above freezing to the surface of the Sun could be accurately described as balmy.

Again, imagine those incapable of understanding sarcasm. Ignorance of the exact meanings of these words doesn't matter to me, because I never use them genuinely. Sarcasm-impaired individuals can only interpret and use words genuinely. If they insert these words into their vocabularies without the proper sarcastic tone, which they would see no reason not to do, they will sound like lunatics. Remember to read these with complete sincerity.

"I felt really swell this morning so I decided to call in sick."

"The track meet has been cancelled due to balminess."

"My relationship with my wife has been really dandy lately. We're getting a divorce. "

Teens Became A Fan Of

-Taking Naps!

-Weekends

-teachers who let u text in class

-When that special person writes on your wall

-I HATE IT WHEN UR PARENTS RUIN EVRYTHING

-Exchanging money for goods and services

-Can This Rock Get More Fans Than Lady Gaga?

-Knife Fights

-Archie Comics, but only when he's with Veronica

-My social skills r being replaced w/ txting skills

-Working in Data Entry

-I want less bad things to happen and more good things

-Lehman Brothers Holdings, Inc.

-Maybe if I become a fan of the same thing as you I will be noticed

-puppies!

-Isn't it about time that rabbit got some Trix?

-Democratic Communism

-Does this really count as social interaction?

-All Of The Things I'm A Fan Of On Facebook

-everyone please look how clever i am

-This fan page says nothing about me except that I will become a fan of anything that I am not morally against

-pancakes

WWHD?

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I wish Hitler were still around. I don't mean as a dictator or anything, just rotting in jail somewhere. Forget the fact that he would have died of old age years ago. Imagine with me the public reaction to his new actions and statements. No individual has been remembered as purely evil to the degree of Hitler, but even horrible people need a favorite kind of pizza.

He had to have at least a few opinions not yet affected by his hatred of Jewish people. Who would he have rooted for in the Cold War? What would be his favorite baseball team? Would he prefer Clint Eastwood or John Wayne? Hitler actually used go on hour-long rants, setting the record straight on anything from opera to architecture to cars. He would have enough free time in prison to weigh in on everything. If Hitler said he loved using Mac computers, would their stock drop, or would it be more like free advertising? Would rebellious kids listen to the same music as Hitler for attention?

At some point, someone would use Hitler's opinion in advertising. No modern politician could resist mentioning his glowing review of an opponent. For the first couple of times, people would be outraged, claiming that irresponsible use of Hitler would lessen the importance of what we learned from World War II. We would all get used to it though. Learning something like the presumed devil-incarnate's favorite chick flick can't be shocking forever. His influence would become a precious resource to those who want to change your mind for their own benefit. It would completely run out when we all have at least one shared opinion with Hitler.

The Pope, Seriously

Does anyone else find the Catholic pope hilarious?

Part of it is obviously that he looks goofy. He's got the robes, and the tall hat, and he's always an old dude. He rides around in the back of some kind of parade car, but with a bulletproof encasing. This vehicle, and I am not joking here, is officially called the Popemobile. Even more hilarious is its Italian name, the Papamobile. The pope only wears red shoes. Can you imagine if any other human declared that, for the remainder of his life, he would only wear red, velvet shoes when he is indoors?

I think what makes all of these things truly hilarious instead of just weird is that the pope is completely serious about them. Irony has so completely invaded our culture that "smart" people can only get away with liking very critically acclaimed things, or laughably critically despised things. So-bad-it's-great things can apparently be enjoyed with cool detachment and critical immunity. Here are examples of a matter of opinion, and the critical responses I would expect:

My favorite actor is Daniel Day-Lewis. "That's a good call. He's been in a lot of great movies and won a couple of Oscars."

My favorite actor is Tom Hanks. "Way to be original. You haven't seen that many movies, have you?"

My favorite actor is Keanu Reeves. "Is that a joke? Please don't talk to me anymore."

My favorite actor is Steven Seagal. "Oh I get it. You're a funny guy."

Somewhere along the way, genuine liking turns into assumed ironic liking. It happens right around the time when you can't believe that the person is serious. None of this can apply to the things the pope does. He has basically dedicated his entire life to becoming and being the pope. Your favorite actor is Steven Seagal? Hilarious. You are the president of the Steven Seagal Fan Club? Weird. Taking the position of Steven Seagal's unpaid personal assistant solely for its proximity to Steven Seagal? Hilarious, but in a much weirder way.

If the pope wanted to, he could stop the tall hat thing today. His word is law. He could just say, "From this day forth, no more pope hats," and he would never have to wear one again. Pope John Paul II stopped the red shoes thing, and Pope Benedict started it up again. He's not even going on only precedent at this point. Brown shoes were passed to him, and he decided to, on a completely official and permanent basis, switch back to red. That means he genuinely likes red velvet shoes. I cannot stress enough how absurd this is.

When they decided to give the pope a special vehicle to drive around, someone, somewhere, decided to start calling it the Papamobile. While suggesting it, this person did not smile.