The Pope, Seriously

Does anyone else find the Catholic pope hilarious?

Part of it is obviously that he looks goofy. He's got the robes, and the tall hat, and he's always an old dude. He rides around in the back of some kind of parade car, but with a bulletproof encasing. This vehicle, and I am not joking here, is officially called the Popemobile. Even more hilarious is its Italian name, the Papamobile. The pope only wears red shoes. Can you imagine if any other human declared that, for the remainder of his life, he would only wear red, velvet shoes when he is indoors?

I think what makes all of these things truly hilarious instead of just weird is that the pope is completely serious about them. Irony has so completely invaded our culture that "smart" people can only get away with liking very critically acclaimed things, or laughably critically despised things. So-bad-it's-great things can apparently be enjoyed with cool detachment and critical immunity. Here are examples of a matter of opinion, and the critical responses I would expect:

My favorite actor is Daniel Day-Lewis. "That's a good call. He's been in a lot of great movies and won a couple of Oscars."

My favorite actor is Tom Hanks. "Way to be original. You haven't seen that many movies, have you?"

My favorite actor is Keanu Reeves. "Is that a joke? Please don't talk to me anymore."

My favorite actor is Steven Seagal. "Oh I get it. You're a funny guy."

Somewhere along the way, genuine liking turns into assumed ironic liking. It happens right around the time when you can't believe that the person is serious. None of this can apply to the things the pope does. He has basically dedicated his entire life to becoming and being the pope. Your favorite actor is Steven Seagal? Hilarious. You are the president of the Steven Seagal Fan Club? Weird. Taking the position of Steven Seagal's unpaid personal assistant solely for its proximity to Steven Seagal? Hilarious, but in a much weirder way.

If the pope wanted to, he could stop the tall hat thing today. His word is law. He could just say, "From this day forth, no more pope hats," and he would never have to wear one again. Pope John Paul II stopped the red shoes thing, and Pope Benedict started it up again. He's not even going on only precedent at this point. Brown shoes were passed to him, and he decided to, on a completely official and permanent basis, switch back to red. That means he genuinely likes red velvet shoes. I cannot stress enough how absurd this is.

When they decided to give the pope a special vehicle to drive around, someone, somewhere, decided to start calling it the Papamobile. While suggesting it, this person did not smile.

Christmas Is Reverse Monopoly

Allow me to explain.

You may interpret that title to compare Christmas to the opposite of the game Monopoly. Instead of buying pieces of property to force other people to give you their money or property, everyone gives away pieces of property to force others to feel socially pressured into giving back either money or property. Instead of one person winning and everyone else losing in a long, drawn out deliberations, everyone pretty much breaks even in a long, drawn out mad rush.

Unfortunately all of that is nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself if you agreed with any of that poor analogy.

No, I'm talking about real monopolies, like if one guy owned all the shoe stores in the world. He decides to raise the price of shoes to $1000 a pair, and what are you going to do about it? HE'S GOT ALL THE SHOES. Another example is Parker Brothers' monopoly over monopoly-based board games (Decreasing the Number of Competitors to Increase Market Power will hopefully turn a profit soon).

Christmas is basically the reverse of that. I don't mean high levels of competition are saving everyone money. It's still a monopoly, we're just doing it to ourselves. We all plan, as a group, to all buy shoes at the same time, so that one guy doesn't even need to own all the shoe stores to charge us $1000 a pair. He just does it because we all need to buy shoes RIGHT NOW, and what are we going to do about it?

Seriously, I want to know. We've got to come up with a plan.

Teen Embarrassment

After years of research, I have uncovered the reason behind the outrageous levels of embarrassment in today's teens, and the outrageous levels of enjoyment parents seem to get from inflicting it.

When children reach a certain age, they become aware of the concept of coolness. Their parents, however, had no other choice but to spend the last dozen or so years learning how not to care about it. They will be spending a huge amount of time and be heavily associated with someone who:

1. Must be introduced to everyone.

2. You are legally required to carry everywhere.

3. Cannot speak any known languages.

4. Will eventually work his way up to eating with his hands.

5. Screams randomly and regularly.

6. Will soil himself in public several hundred times.

Imagine having this person as your college roommate.

"Hey, I'm Aware Of That Too!"

I heavily suspect that it is impossible to post a Facebook status containing song lyrics and not receive a comment.

Those who recognize the song apparently cannot be stopped from adding the next line, followed by a comment on the greatness of the song. I can't decide if this is done to feel connected to and accepted by the person who posted it, or to warn others that he isn't as creative as he's making himself out to be. You may be objecting, "Wait a minute, why would the second reason be necessary? Most lyrics posted in Facebook statuses are so painfully dull that penning them never could be viewed as positive!" I think you are forgetting that those who love horrible things tend to befriend each other. Also, the second reason for replying is way funnier, because it implies these people are rightfully disliked by their friends.

"Hold on," you are probably interjecting, "what if I post lyrics to a song that only I know?" Well aren't you clever. Sorry to rain on your smug parade, but some clueless inquisitor will cluelessly inquire about its origin. It doesn't even need to rhyme or sound like a lyric or make sense. No, taking the word "is" out of any song by itself doesn't count as a song lyric. Man, you are insufferable today.

The only scenario that remains is a person who no one wants to impress posting the lyrics to a song that everyone knows and dislikes. The only song that fits this description is obviously Yellow Submarine. When this finally happens, it will be safe to conclude that the creation of the Internet was a horrible lapse in judgment.

"Who is teaching all of these people how to read and write English?" Now that is a great question. Way to redeem yourself.

Read This For A Good Time

I appreciate those who vandalize bathroom stalls. Lightening up this hopefully eventless space with humor should be considered a public service to all. If I ever aquire a Wal-Mart or something, my employees will not paint over all graffiti, just the stuff they don't find humorous. It will encourage creativity in the defecating masses.

That being said, there's one thing I don't understand about the defacement set. Why do public toilets make people want to overthrow the government? Even in newly constructed facilities, the initial work of art always seems to be that stupid capital 'A' with the circle around it. I could maybe see someone doing this in a public rest stop or a bathroom in a library, since anarchists generally feel these shouldn't exist, but it's not like Taco Bell is getting federal bathroom funding. Even if this quarter-sized etching is located in its proper location, that is reaching previously unheard of levels in lazy protesting. I mean I've heard of people having epiphanies on the throne, but I can't imagine any of them containing this thought: "You make an excellent point, anonymous criminal. We should change our system of government!"

Cowboy Rebel

I cannot in good concience suggest that you enter the state of Wyoming. If you do, be sure to check out the bumper stickers. Some force drives these residents to hate all who dwell in the 49 more populous states, and to display this feeling on the backs of their mudhole-to-mudhole transports. This provides an excellent opportunity to observe the cowboy rebel archetype in the wild without actually having to talk to them. Placing a dead elk in the back of your pickup may seem like a way to blend in, but you will be forced to talk to ALL of them. Who knew such awkward people could be so friendly?

Cowboy rebels are a confusing people, probably because they haven't thought rebellion through enough. First off, anyone who tries to fight The Man only does so because they failed at becoming The Man, so they're all losers right off the bat. Secondly, who do they think they're rebelling against? It's clearly not their parents, since they listen to the same music, dress the same, talk the same, and attempt to hold the same jobs as every generation that came before them. However, they could be making these choices to be part of the ranching culture that is so pervasive in the media today. A lot of their angst seems to be directed towards the government, but they are doing a horrible job of rebelling against them, although I may be underestimating the effectiveness of whining and then complying. If they were refusing to pay their taxes or at least actively protesting it would be a different story, but their form of rebellion seems to consist solely of doing really dumb things in a cocky manner.

Here are a few examples of cowboy rebellion followed by a statement they might make towards the group they are rebelling against. See if you can fill in the blanks without wanting to fill all cowboy boots with snakes!

1. I'm going to cover my truck, the brand name of which I am incredibly loyal to and which I bought with my own money, with mud! Take that, ________!
2. Let's spend our free time shooting animals that are a nuisance to everyone and completely legal to kill, then cover our car with the carcasses! In your face, ________! (Note: PETA is not a viable option since no PETA members live in Wyoming, and those who do this never leave their hometown.)
3. Hey guys! Let's watch and buy the merchandise of NASCAR, which is the only sport I'm aware of that covers its athletes and products in advertisements! That'll show _______!
4. I can't wait to see my idols get the crap kicked out of them by the animal they are attempting to show mastery over at the rodeo! Your move, ______!
5. Did you hear the one about the member of a racial group I've never had real-world contact with? What's that? You already did because they're all essentially the same? Well I'm going to tell it anyway, because a lesson needs to be taught to ________.

When I started this list, I thought it would be funny because there were no logical answers. I now see that it is as funny as it is horrible because they all have the same answer: Charles Darwin.

The UnTwitter

The following may not apply to all Twitter users, so if it offends you, feel free to tweet about it.

Twitter, and I guess blogs of any length, seem to be based entirely around the feeling that your actions count more if other people are made aware of their occurance. This desire to force everyone to be aware of how fun you are drives a person to take the exact same arm-length picture with everyone they know at any location and post them on Facebook. These pictures to me scream, "Hey everyone! Look at how many friends I have at this exclusive event! Envy me!" For the benefit of the reader, I have refrained from purposefully misspelling every word and capitalizing every other letter in the preceding statement. Twitter enables the declaration of a new favorite food to those who could only care if the food was illegal, while giving the impression that they hang on the poster's every word. If you don't believe me, note that those who subscribe to your posts are called your "followers." Imagine how crazy you would look if you described any other group of people by that title.

The downside lies in the fact that you are not a celebrity. Not that many people care about what you have to say, and most of them won't be subscribing to your posts. Spencer Pratt, the man who I have determined to be the only being acceptible to murder in any social setting, will always beat you. This may leave you either resigned to pathetic defeat, or starting all conversations with a list of recent parties graced by your presence.

I have discovered what may be a solution, which I call the UnTwitter. Step one: do something new and fun, with friends if you have them. Explore an abandoned house, take a road trip to a strange town, cut down a tree and ride it across the river, whatever. I don't care what it is, as long as it's fairly interesting and doesn't involve the injury or embarrassment of myself.

Step two: make sure as few people as possible hear about this adventure. Don't put it in your Facebook status, take pictures of the event, or as the name implies, post it on Twitter. Treat the outing as if something unspeakable happened on it, like accidently taking part in a Klan rally, or the events of the movie Deliverance. Everytime someone asks you what's new, or what you've been up to, this one action will leap into your mind. You will wonder if they somehow discovered your secret, except instead of sweating uncontrollably and possibly weeping (you'll know why if you've seen Deliverance), you will list all but the most interesting thing you did this week. You will be completely free of trying to convince anyone how interesting you are. If they eventually do find out about it, you will seem that much cooler by not feeling the need to sing the praises of your wonderful life to everyone you know.