A Swell Blog Post

"Oh, I'm feeling just dandy."

No matter the situation, this phrase always contains the same sentiment. A similar rule seems to apply to any phrase containing the word "swell." Despite their utility as positive descriptors, their only utterances overflow with sarcasm. As the days of these words' popular usages fades further into the past, people who do not understand sarcasm might become incredibly confused; the fact that no method exists to portray sarcasm on the internet or in a text message will only exacerbate the problem.

"It's a balmy four degrees outside!"

Despite making this joke regularly, I actually had to look up the definition of the word "balmy." Since I've only heard it used with thick sarcasm on frigid days, it could, when used seriously, define any quality other than coldness. For all I knew, anything from just above freezing to the surface of the Sun could be accurately described as balmy.

Again, imagine those incapable of understanding sarcasm. Ignorance of the exact meanings of these words doesn't matter to me, because I never use them genuinely. Sarcasm-impaired individuals can only interpret and use words genuinely. If they insert these words into their vocabularies without the proper sarcastic tone, which they would see no reason not to do, they will sound like lunatics. Remember to read these with complete sincerity.

"I felt really swell this morning so I decided to call in sick."

"The track meet has been cancelled due to balminess."

"My relationship with my wife has been really dandy lately. We're getting a divorce. "

Teens Became A Fan Of

-Taking Naps!

-Weekends

-teachers who let u text in class

-When that special person writes on your wall

-I HATE IT WHEN UR PARENTS RUIN EVRYTHING

-Exchanging money for goods and services

-Can This Rock Get More Fans Than Lady Gaga?

-Knife Fights

-Archie Comics, but only when he's with Veronica

-My social skills r being replaced w/ txting skills

-Working in Data Entry

-I want less bad things to happen and more good things

-Lehman Brothers Holdings, Inc.

-Maybe if I become a fan of the same thing as you I will be noticed

-puppies!

-Isn't it about time that rabbit got some Trix?

-Democratic Communism

-Does this really count as social interaction?

-All Of The Things I'm A Fan Of On Facebook

-everyone please look how clever i am

-This fan page says nothing about me except that I will become a fan of anything that I am not morally against

-pancakes

WWHD?

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I wish Hitler were still around. I don't mean as a dictator or anything, just rotting in jail somewhere. Forget the fact that he would have died of old age years ago. Imagine with me the public reaction to his new actions and statements. No individual has been remembered as purely evil to the degree of Hitler, but even horrible people need a favorite kind of pizza.

He had to have at least a few opinions not yet affected by his hatred of Jewish people. Who would he have rooted for in the Cold War? What would be his favorite baseball team? Would he prefer Clint Eastwood or John Wayne? Hitler actually used go on hour-long rants, setting the record straight on anything from opera to architecture to cars. He would have enough free time in prison to weigh in on everything. If Hitler said he loved using Mac computers, would their stock drop, or would it be more like free advertising? Would rebellious kids listen to the same music as Hitler for attention?

At some point, someone would use Hitler's opinion in advertising. No modern politician could resist mentioning his glowing review of an opponent. For the first couple of times, people would be outraged, claiming that irresponsible use of Hitler would lessen the importance of what we learned from World War II. We would all get used to it though. Learning something like the presumed devil-incarnate's favorite chick flick can't be shocking forever. His influence would become a precious resource to those who want to change your mind for their own benefit. It would completely run out when we all have at least one shared opinion with Hitler.

The Pope, Seriously

Does anyone else find the Catholic pope hilarious?

Part of it is obviously that he looks goofy. He's got the robes, and the tall hat, and he's always an old dude. He rides around in the back of some kind of parade car, but with a bulletproof encasing. This vehicle, and I am not joking here, is officially called the Popemobile. Even more hilarious is its Italian name, the Papamobile. The pope only wears red shoes. Can you imagine if any other human declared that, for the remainder of his life, he would only wear red, velvet shoes when he is indoors?

I think what makes all of these things truly hilarious instead of just weird is that the pope is completely serious about them. Irony has so completely invaded our culture that "smart" people can only get away with liking very critically acclaimed things, or laughably critically despised things. So-bad-it's-great things can apparently be enjoyed with cool detachment and critical immunity. Here are examples of a matter of opinion, and the critical responses I would expect:

My favorite actor is Daniel Day-Lewis. "That's a good call. He's been in a lot of great movies and won a couple of Oscars."

My favorite actor is Tom Hanks. "Way to be original. You haven't seen that many movies, have you?"

My favorite actor is Keanu Reeves. "Is that a joke? Please don't talk to me anymore."

My favorite actor is Steven Seagal. "Oh I get it. You're a funny guy."

Somewhere along the way, genuine liking turns into assumed ironic liking. It happens right around the time when you can't believe that the person is serious. None of this can apply to the things the pope does. He has basically dedicated his entire life to becoming and being the pope. Your favorite actor is Steven Seagal? Hilarious. You are the president of the Steven Seagal Fan Club? Weird. Taking the position of Steven Seagal's unpaid personal assistant solely for its proximity to Steven Seagal? Hilarious, but in a much weirder way.

If the pope wanted to, he could stop the tall hat thing today. His word is law. He could just say, "From this day forth, no more pope hats," and he would never have to wear one again. Pope John Paul II stopped the red shoes thing, and Pope Benedict started it up again. He's not even going on only precedent at this point. Brown shoes were passed to him, and he decided to, on a completely official and permanent basis, switch back to red. That means he genuinely likes red velvet shoes. I cannot stress enough how absurd this is.

When they decided to give the pope a special vehicle to drive around, someone, somewhere, decided to start calling it the Papamobile. While suggesting it, this person did not smile.

Christmas Is Reverse Monopoly

Allow me to explain.

You may interpret that title to compare Christmas to the opposite of the game Monopoly. Instead of buying pieces of property to force other people to give you their money or property, everyone gives away pieces of property to force others to feel socially pressured into giving back either money or property. Instead of one person winning and everyone else losing in a long, drawn out deliberations, everyone pretty much breaks even in a long, drawn out mad rush.

Unfortunately all of that is nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself if you agreed with any of that poor analogy.

No, I'm talking about real monopolies, like if one guy owned all the shoe stores in the world. He decides to raise the price of shoes to $1000 a pair, and what are you going to do about it? HE'S GOT ALL THE SHOES. Another example is Parker Brothers' monopoly over monopoly-based board games (Decreasing the Number of Competitors to Increase Market Power will hopefully turn a profit soon).

Christmas is basically the reverse of that. I don't mean high levels of competition are saving everyone money. It's still a monopoly, we're just doing it to ourselves. We all plan, as a group, to all buy shoes at the same time, so that one guy doesn't even need to own all the shoe stores to charge us $1000 a pair. He just does it because we all need to buy shoes RIGHT NOW, and what are we going to do about it?

Seriously, I want to know. We've got to come up with a plan.

Teen Embarrassment

After years of research, I have uncovered the reason behind the outrageous levels of embarrassment in today's teens, and the outrageous levels of enjoyment parents seem to get from inflicting it.

When children reach a certain age, they become aware of the concept of coolness. Their parents, however, had no other choice but to spend the last dozen or so years learning how not to care about it. They will be spending a huge amount of time and be heavily associated with someone who:

1. Must be introduced to everyone.

2. You are legally required to carry everywhere.

3. Cannot speak any known languages.

4. Will eventually work his way up to eating with his hands.

5. Screams randomly and regularly.

6. Will soil himself in public several hundred times.

Imagine having this person as your college roommate.

"Hey, I'm Aware Of That Too!"

I heavily suspect that it is impossible to post a Facebook status containing song lyrics and not receive a comment.

Those who recognize the song apparently cannot be stopped from adding the next line, followed by a comment on the greatness of the song. I can't decide if this is done to feel connected to and accepted by the person who posted it, or to warn others that he isn't as creative as he's making himself out to be. You may be objecting, "Wait a minute, why would the second reason be necessary? Most lyrics posted in Facebook statuses are so painfully dull that penning them never could be viewed as positive!" I think you are forgetting that those who love horrible things tend to befriend each other. Also, the second reason for replying is way funnier, because it implies these people are rightfully disliked by their friends.

"Hold on," you are probably interjecting, "what if I post lyrics to a song that only I know?" Well aren't you clever. Sorry to rain on your smug parade, but some clueless inquisitor will cluelessly inquire about its origin. It doesn't even need to rhyme or sound like a lyric or make sense. No, taking the word "is" out of any song by itself doesn't count as a song lyric. Man, you are insufferable today.

The only scenario that remains is a person who no one wants to impress posting the lyrics to a song that everyone knows and dislikes. The only song that fits this description is obviously Yellow Submarine. When this finally happens, it will be safe to conclude that the creation of the Internet was a horrible lapse in judgment.

"Who is teaching all of these people how to read and write English?" Now that is a great question. Way to redeem yourself.